Suggested Rejections for Job Applicants

Thank you for submitting your resume to Acme Tech. We are thankful for your interest in our job openings and wish to give you immediate feedback on your application.
Upon receipt, your resume will be scanned into our ReSEX automated resume database. For this purpose we use the industry standard OCR-g Optical Character Recognition software. Please note that this software does not recognize italic type, bold faced type, any word with more than 5 characters or any word that contains the letters "e" or "r".
Due to the backlog of resumes, it will take four to six weeks to scan and input your resume into our database. Our managers regularly search the database, but generally ignore any that are more than four weeks old because they are stale.
Your resume will be kept on file for an entire year, at which time we will sell it to a direct junk mail clearinghouse to help cover our expenses from processing it.
Our managers are encouraged to be creative in the use of the keywords by which they search the database. Since you don't have a snowball's chance of guessing which keywords will be used, you should include a complete dictionary of English, Spanish and Latin words appended to your resume in order to be considered.
Please note that all keyword searches are exact, when searching for MBA, for example, the software will return only and exact match: neither M.B.A. nor MBA. will be accepted.

Please check any or all of the following that may be applicable:

We are sorry to inform you that we cannot offer your employment at this time because:
That position has already been filled.
That position was filled before we advertised for it.
That position never existed, but the folks at HR needed something to do that day.

We require someone with a more technical background.
We require someone with a Ph.D. in Engineering and Computer Science.
You are overqualified for this position

The position was filled with an internal candidate.
The position was filled with the nephew of the company president.
The position was filled by a candidate who was obviously so superior to you in every way that we didn't even bother to read your resume.
The position was filled by a candidate who was better at lying on his resume.

Our OCR software reports that you misspelled the word "bzzlfritz" in your resume and we will not accept candidates who our so sloppy.

You are not a fit with our company.

You went to the wrong school: we only hire MBAs from the top (pick one: 1, 2, 3) Business Schools.
You went to the wrong school: we only hire MBAs from our local community college.
We don't hire MBAs because it would give the non-MBAs in our organization an inferiority complex.
An MBA is required for this position and all other burger-flipping positions.
We only consider candidates who have lived completely normal lives. Your three-month internship in London implies that you are unstable and untrustworthy.

You have changed jobs too often.
You have worked too long for the same company.

We need someone who has 10 years doing this exact job and has never been promoted or fired.

You are asking too high of a salary.
You are asking too low of a salary.

You have never worked for a company this size before.

© Drew McCormick 1998